your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
