Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
