I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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