If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
