Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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