i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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