Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
