i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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