I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
