I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
