it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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