I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
