I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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