If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
