And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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