Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
