he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize