mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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