Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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