the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
