I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
