I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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