A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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