Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
she peed on how many people?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
