I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
