To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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