i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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