Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
