ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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