I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
