i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
