apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
