Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
