pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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