based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
