Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Drake has all the answers
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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