Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
