her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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