i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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