nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize