god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
