What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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