can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
