I just pynch a tree in the face
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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