I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
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