1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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