I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
