So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
