Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
