i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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