She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
PANTIES FOUND
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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