remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize