She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
