he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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