she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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