did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
