I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
