Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
