doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
