very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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