I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
