I heard we made out
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize