I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
