She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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