cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
