I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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