my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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