I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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