You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize