someone get that fucking seahorse.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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