Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
