I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
