I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
