Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
