Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
