If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
