Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
