my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
